Ken and Kennetha Hom

We have been in a little town called Kanchaniburi since Monday after taking the world's most uncomfortable train from Bangkok. Yesterday we attended a cookery class which Joe actually took last time he was in Thailand. Unfortunately on the last trip Joe lost his Winnie the Pooh notebook containing all the recipes. This time we were more prepared.

We started the day by visiting the market where the main entertainment was watching the vegetarian in the group go green at the sight of pigs heads, buckets of live eels, and walkways streaming with blood. We found out that one stall had recently been forced to close because they had illegally captured and killed a tiger and were selling the meat. Nice. Once we were back at the ranch we cooked four traditional Thai dishes under the watchful eye of a woman called Apple 2 (Apple 1 is in Bangkok selling curry paste - it's a touchy subject so I'd recommend that you don't mention it.) The only disappointment of the day was discovering that the secret to sweet and sour sauce is ketchup. Really not the kind of thing you travel halfway round the world for.

Last night we went to one of the local bars which has a free pool table. Joe and I really shouldn't play pool together but as we have no friends we had to go head to head. What generally happens is this - I hit the ball with gusto but no technique and feel incredibly excited if I manage to pot something. This leads Joe to the conclusion that what I need is some coaching so he starts trying to give me advice. He takes on the demeanour of a wannabe pushy parent who is disappointed to discover that his child is not the tennis pro he hoped for. This makes me cross because I think life is serious enough without getting all solemn about pool so I start hitting even stupider shots. Anyway, we made it out without murdering each other and settled down for another sleep in Apple's guesthouse (seriously, don't ask.)

Today we walked to the bridge which crosses the river Kwai. I stood nervously on the bridge while Joe took a photo and then ran to safety (they still have trains going over it! It's dangerous!) We also visited the museum next to the bridge, which was the worst museum I have ever been to. We thought we'd seen some shit exhibitions in India and Sri Lanka but this really took the biscuit. Each artefact was surrounded by crappy souvenirs - literally signs saying "100,000 POWs were killed in the construction of this railway" next to a rail of T shirts for sale with slogans like "I love Thailand." It did not in any way give a sense of the enormity of what had happened there. We swiftly left.

On the way home we saw a leopard chained to a table.

Which brings me nicely on to our latest animal escapade.

Now I know you all love our wildlife stories, especially you Julia, so please sit back and enjoy the story of the bird.

Yesterday afternoon we were sitting in bed reading. I was reading Pillars of the Earth and Joe was reading The Gringo Trail (this is what we writers call setting the scene). I heard a noise from the eaves (if eaves is the right word? A piece of ceiling is cut out and then the real ceiling is higher with a ridge going round it?), and looked up to investigate. All of a sudden a bird burst out from god knows where and started bashing its head against the walls and squawking. I don't know why, because I have manfully dealt with spiders, cockroaches, mosquitoes, lizards, and, of course, the mouse, but I was really freaked out by this bird.

I did what any sane person would do in the same situation and cowered under the blankets while shouting at Joe to deal with it. Joe opened the door but the bird didn't want to go outside. After a few moments it retreated to its place in the eaves. Now we didn't know what to do. We didn't know how the bird had got in or whether it had a way out. We decided that the first priority was to establish whether the bird was still in the room. This was the moment at which Joe had an idea.

He leapt off the bed, took the belt off his shorts, and started flapping it around wildly. He looked like he was trying to whip the bird but assured me that actually he was trying to disturb it so it would fly towards the door. Shockingly, this plan didn't work. We tried standing on the bed to look into the ledge running around the ceiling but neither of us were tall enough. Joe decided that I would have to sit on his shoulders and look into the ceiling. I really didn't want to do this because I imagined it would end in tears, or more likely in a Thai hospital, but he insisted. When I say he insisted, what he actually did was push me over then pick me up before I had a chance to right myself. Anyway, we still weren't tall enough. We got Joe's rucksack to stand on, on top of the bed, but as it contains mainly clothes it didn't provide much extra height. We were getting desperate so piled all of our possessions on to the bed and stood on that. I say we but actually I let Joe take this one for the team. He still couldn't see.

I know this is a disappointing conclusion but we still don't know if the bird is in the ceiling or not. I am most grieved about this and fear it will shit on my face in the night as revenge for the whipping. All I can hope for is that having a bird relieve itself on you really is good luck.

Back to Bangkok tomorrow for more fun and games. If we encounter any animals I will be sure to let you know.