Meet me in St Louis

This week we left Elvis behind and headed to St Louis, Missouri. Nothing is too good for our world trip so we travelled by Greyhound bus. It was OK until we pulled into the bus station and the driver announced he wanted to thank god for getting us to our destination safely. Our fellow passengers broke into enthusiastic "a-mens" while we sniggered at the front.
We are staying with the lovely Heather (previously of Portland fame), and her lovely husband Jamie in their lovely apartment. They have been extremely hospitable letting us take over their spare room, destroy their kitchen with operation curry, and watch endless episodes of Gordon Ramsay on their TV.

Yesterday the four of us went on a day trip. Just a cooler of beer, three Londoners, Heather, and these wits. We went to the Meramec caves and did a guided tour with Blake, who looked like he spent too much time underground. The caves were amazing - Jessie James used to hide out there - but the best  part was the finale. This was a spectacular light show (Blake flicking switches on and off) to show off the rocks with a soundtrack of the Missouri Waltz and God Bless America. The man in front of us, hearing our howls of laughter, turned round and said "it cost us $50 to get in, how much to get out?!" Good question.

We then travelled a bit further up the river and took a canoe trip. Now, I don't mean to boast, but I have canoed once before. Yes, I know, I am full of fascinating anecdotes. Anyway, I thought this would make me a bit of an expert but it took a full fifteen minutes to conquer the paddle on the right to go left thing. My primary concern was keeping the cigarettes dry because I didn't want to have to do a distress flare with a disposable lighter but most of them made it through the journey.

The water and the scenery were beautiful and we stopped several times to swim. For swim read bob around with a beer. It seems like a real American pastime - people bring chairs into the river and drink. Amazing.

Last night Heather and Jamie took us out to try some of the local delicacy... toasted ravioli. Basically, you cover normal ravioli in breadcrumbs, deep-fry it, then eat it with parmesan and pasta sauce. Delicious. We also ate St Louis-style pizza. And yes, all the weight lost in Asia is hopping back on, one ravioli at a time. Brilliant.

What adventures will tomorrow bring? Who knows, but on Saturday we hop on the Megabus (truly classy in every country) and head to Chicago.

Walking in Memphis

This is a kind of collaboration blog. Joe wanted to write it but I wouldn't let him. Compromise - the heart of every good relationship.

So here we are in our Tennessee log cabin.  We can be found on Heartbreak Lane just past Blue Suede Ave.  If you hit Hound Dog Way you've gone too far.  Thats right.  We are staying in the Graceland RV park with Elvis pilgrims and white trash. Am hoping no one is reading this over my shoulder...

We said goodbye to our haven in Dallas and set off in our car for the open road of America.  Our journey took us away from the tourist hot spots and into 'real America'.  Great incident in a petrol station... sorry, gas station... near the Arkansas border.

Kate: Excuse me, how do we.....

Attendent: Where y'all from?

Joe: England

Attendent: MARYJOLENEALICELOUANN! COME HEAR THESE GUYS A' TALKIN'.  IT'S PURDY!

At this point I think MJALA was expecting a bit more and we were both feeling the pressure.  All we could manage was 'hello'.  She did not look impressesd.

As we left the same petrol station in the middle of nowhere it was invaded by about a billion hells angels.  I thought I might run away and join them but the noise was so loud that I had to jump back in the car and hide with my pickle in a pouch (photos to follow.)

We went to Graceland (the actual attraction rather than the trailer park) this morning. I know this is something of a pilgramage for many people (I'm talking to you, Sarah), so I won't be too rude about it. Needless to say it is a real money spinner. The site boasts eight gift shops, and you have to pay a heck of a lot to get in.

After seeing MTV Cribs, Elvis's house didn't really seem that decadent but the 70s decor was pretty special. Honourable mentions go to the "jungle room" and his private plane which had a blue suede bed, complete with 24 carat gold seatbelt. Awesome.

I was disappointed that they glossed over some of Elvis's more unfortunate attributes - no mention of the drug addiction, the toilet, or the fact that his later stage outfits are about four hundred times bigger than the first ones. But hey, I guess you don't want Elvis fans crying all over the place so they've got to keep it upbeat.

We went for lunch in the Rock n Roll cafe afterwards. Joe ate so quickly that he was complimented by the waitress. When a big fat American diner waitress thinks you are a speedy eater, that is seriously disgusting. I mean, impressive...

Dinner tonight will take place in a bbq restaurant which is about 1 mile from the park. You get picked up in a pink cadillac. Not joking.

Best go and dust off my silver spandex all-in-one suit now. Joe's is unfortunately at the drycleaners so he'll have to make do with shorts.

Speak soon y'all.

Don't mess with Texas

Really don't - people carry guns and they have the death penalty here. Also, at least half the population of Dallas is obese so they could squash a normal-sized human being quite easily. But more on that later.

We arrived in the States on Friday evening having left  Thailand on... Friday evening. We crossed the international date line and I literally could not cope. What time was it? What day was it? What time was it in England? What time would it be if we were still in Thailand? Joe thought it was hilarious but I got my revenge when we realised he doesn't know how to cross the road in America.

We spent four nights in LA. We were staying in Hollywood in a hostel/hotel type affair. We had planned to stay in a dorm room to save money but after one night I had to move into a private room. Well, private with Joe - I couldn't really leave him in the dorm. I'm afraid I have learned that I cannot sleep if there are strangers in the room. What if they stabbed me? Or stole my massive white trousers?

Once we had a room of our own, Hollywood was great. We saw the new Harry Potter film at Grauman's Chinese Theater where the popcorn is refillable and you add your own butter and salt. Salt? Yes please. Melted butter? No, I've really got to draw the line somewhere. We saw the Walk of Fame and the big Hollywood sign and had a drink with a Mr T lookalike dwarf.

Unfortunately our visit coincided with "carmaggedon" - the main freeway was closed and everyone was going bonkers about it. It limited our ability to travel round the city but we were happy just to be back in the bosom of civilisation where you can drink wine and eat beef.

We flew to Dallas yesterday from LAX. I had my hands swabbed going through security which seemed quite bizarre and unnecessary but they take security rather seriously. When we arrived in LA from Bangkok we were interviewed by US border people. My conversation went as follows:

Security man: You smell like tea. Are you carrying tea?

Me: Erm, no

SM: Oh. You have an unusual smell.

Me: Erm, OK.

I should have said yep, you would smell unusual too if your Sri Lankan herbal mosquito repellant had leaked in your handbag, you'd spilt a can of beer down your leg and you'd been on a plane for sixteen hours. But I didn't think that was a particularly good idea.

We went to the 6th Floor Museum today in the Book Depository where JFK was shot. Joe is trying to go to the assassination sites of all major 20th century figures. We saw the Gandhi site in Delhi and apparently we have to go to see where Martin Luther King was killed in Memphis and then to the spot where John Lennon was shot in New York. Personally I don't think this is a particularly jolly way to spend our time but the JFK thing was very good.

We have one more full day in Dallas (I am campaigning to spend it in the aquarium) and then we are driving (eek), well, Joe is driving (eeeeek) to Memphis on Friday. When/if we get there (we'll be fine, don't panic), we are staying in the Graceland RV Park. Yep. You heard me. We're hoping there'll be an Elvis convention on. Keep your fingers crossed!

Ken and Kennetha Hom

We have been in a little town called Kanchaniburi since Monday after taking the world's most uncomfortable train from Bangkok. Yesterday we attended a cookery class which Joe actually took last time he was in Thailand. Unfortunately on the last trip Joe lost his Winnie the Pooh notebook containing all the recipes. This time we were more prepared.

We started the day by visiting the market where the main entertainment was watching the vegetarian in the group go green at the sight of pigs heads, buckets of live eels, and walkways streaming with blood. We found out that one stall had recently been forced to close because they had illegally captured and killed a tiger and were selling the meat. Nice. Once we were back at the ranch we cooked four traditional Thai dishes under the watchful eye of a woman called Apple 2 (Apple 1 is in Bangkok selling curry paste - it's a touchy subject so I'd recommend that you don't mention it.) The only disappointment of the day was discovering that the secret to sweet and sour sauce is ketchup. Really not the kind of thing you travel halfway round the world for.

Last night we went to one of the local bars which has a free pool table. Joe and I really shouldn't play pool together but as we have no friends we had to go head to head. What generally happens is this - I hit the ball with gusto but no technique and feel incredibly excited if I manage to pot something. This leads Joe to the conclusion that what I need is some coaching so he starts trying to give me advice. He takes on the demeanour of a wannabe pushy parent who is disappointed to discover that his child is not the tennis pro he hoped for. This makes me cross because I think life is serious enough without getting all solemn about pool so I start hitting even stupider shots. Anyway, we made it out without murdering each other and settled down for another sleep in Apple's guesthouse (seriously, don't ask.)

Today we walked to the bridge which crosses the river Kwai. I stood nervously on the bridge while Joe took a photo and then ran to safety (they still have trains going over it! It's dangerous!) We also visited the museum next to the bridge, which was the worst museum I have ever been to. We thought we'd seen some shit exhibitions in India and Sri Lanka but this really took the biscuit. Each artefact was surrounded by crappy souvenirs - literally signs saying "100,000 POWs were killed in the construction of this railway" next to a rail of T shirts for sale with slogans like "I love Thailand." It did not in any way give a sense of the enormity of what had happened there. We swiftly left.

On the way home we saw a leopard chained to a table.

Which brings me nicely on to our latest animal escapade.

Now I know you all love our wildlife stories, especially you Julia, so please sit back and enjoy the story of the bird.

Yesterday afternoon we were sitting in bed reading. I was reading Pillars of the Earth and Joe was reading The Gringo Trail (this is what we writers call setting the scene). I heard a noise from the eaves (if eaves is the right word? A piece of ceiling is cut out and then the real ceiling is higher with a ridge going round it?), and looked up to investigate. All of a sudden a bird burst out from god knows where and started bashing its head against the walls and squawking. I don't know why, because I have manfully dealt with spiders, cockroaches, mosquitoes, lizards, and, of course, the mouse, but I was really freaked out by this bird.

I did what any sane person would do in the same situation and cowered under the blankets while shouting at Joe to deal with it. Joe opened the door but the bird didn't want to go outside. After a few moments it retreated to its place in the eaves. Now we didn't know what to do. We didn't know how the bird had got in or whether it had a way out. We decided that the first priority was to establish whether the bird was still in the room. This was the moment at which Joe had an idea.

He leapt off the bed, took the belt off his shorts, and started flapping it around wildly. He looked like he was trying to whip the bird but assured me that actually he was trying to disturb it so it would fly towards the door. Shockingly, this plan didn't work. We tried standing on the bed to look into the ledge running around the ceiling but neither of us were tall enough. Joe decided that I would have to sit on his shoulders and look into the ceiling. I really didn't want to do this because I imagined it would end in tears, or more likely in a Thai hospital, but he insisted. When I say he insisted, what he actually did was push me over then pick me up before I had a chance to right myself. Anyway, we still weren't tall enough. We got Joe's rucksack to stand on, on top of the bed, but as it contains mainly clothes it didn't provide much extra height. We were getting desperate so piled all of our possessions on to the bed and stood on that. I say we but actually I let Joe take this one for the team. He still couldn't see.

I know this is a disappointing conclusion but we still don't know if the bird is in the ceiling or not. I am most grieved about this and fear it will shit on my face in the night as revenge for the whipping. All I can hope for is that having a bird relieve itself on you really is good luck.

Back to Bangkok tomorrow for more fun and games. If we encounter any animals I will be sure to let you know.

Joe's guest blog - Back by popular demand

Before I start on Thailand, I just wanted to announce to the world that Sri Lanka has by far the nicest airport security staff in the entire world.  They smile, ask you to have a nice day, and start amicable conversations about their current cricket tour of England.  When I confidently announced I expected England to win the Series he ushered me through with a big grin.

Thailand is an all together different experience.  The way they stare at you makes you begin to feel you have a kilo of heroin up your bum.  This made me quite paranoid.  I began to deduce who would have been able to find  time to plant class A drugs on me while I was asleep and I realised it could only have been Kate.  I suddenly became very irrationally angry with Kate.  I mean if they had found the drugs I would probably have been executed.  I thought it was a little selfish.  

Back in Bangkok.  I feel that something has happened to this city since I was last here 4 years ago.  It seems, well, much nicer.  I began to wonder how this could be when the only thing of note to happen in Bangkok (that made it to the UK media anyway) was mass rioting and Marshall law.  Now I am not an expert but I would presume Bangkok is the only city to have improved in such conditions ( I am sure the amateur psychologists among you will think it is probably me that has changed due to being older wiser and having just spent 6 weeks on the sub-continent.  I think that is nonsense.).

Khao San Road never ceases to amaze me.  The sensation it has thrust on me is one of feeling very old.  We all know that 18 year olds look younger every year but the batch on Khao San Road look like actual infants.  I saw one girl smoking and ran up to her, stole the cigarette from her mouth, and asked to speak to her parents (I didn't.  But I wish I had and it is much better in these blogs to stretch the truth for dramatic effect).  I am sure this is going to cause a rousing chorus of ' you don't know what old is' and 'old? You have no idea' etc.  

Generally it is great.  Kate can wear any clothes and not be stared at like she suddenly turned purple and we can get a beer anytime (nice after 8 weeks of random closing times).  We may go and do something.  We may not.  The great thing about this week is that neither of us were that bothered about it so anything we do is an additional bonus.

Off to go sit by the pool.  Enjoy the office!

Kandy - land of the elephant

We are in Kandy, in the Hill Country of Sri Lanka. It is much cooler here so we are mostly basking in the non-sunshine on our hotel balcony.  We have also visited some of Kandy's hottest night spots - The Pub, Pub Royale and PUB. Clearly the Sri Lankans are a very imaginative people.

One reason we came here was to visit Pinnewala Elephant Orphanage; a well-known tourist attraction about an hour out of town. Alas, when I was trying to find out how much you had to pay to get in I stumbled across lots of negative web reviews saying the animals are cruelly treated. We looked at the Born Free and WWF sites which advise not to go there so we didn't. Hooray for the elephants.

Instead we went to the Millennium Elephant Foundation. It is much smaller - only home to half a dozen or so elephants - but is approved by the animal charities and it seemed quite jolly. We washed an elephant in the river using coconut shells, we went to the quite shit elephant museum (also home to a tortoise shell and an alligator skull - both irrelevant and uninteresting), and then got to ride an elephant. Don't worry, there are lots of cringing photos to come. 

The elephant we rode is called Rani and was massive and very bristly. There were a lot of women tourists in burkhas which I didn't think was very appropriate elephant-riding gear but I was laughing on the other side of my face when all my skin was exfoliated off with elephant prickles.

In other animal news we saw a woman walking two porcupines earlier. On leads. Surely it's not possible to keep a porcupine as a pet?

The latest update on our trip is that we are not going to Bali. After having to reduce our time away we were only left with four days there and the extra flights and costs didn't seem worth it. Instead we will be spending a week in Thailand where we shall learn to cook and try not to be drugged and robbed a la Joe in 2007.

I am off to buy some fruit now as we are in danger of getting scurvy. But I shall write again soon.